[Free Talk] An English poem written by myself - Please tell me what you think!

WOW! I like the title "Carpe diem" so much!
(Also the line "I can only seize the day, Come what may")
It is my favourite latin word! ^_^

After reading your well written poem, I just wanna say
C'EST LA VIE!

Glad to see you are so optimistic about life,
and I find most of the last words of a line do rhyme, like arms and charms.
But there are still some flaws in between.


First, line 14, Do you mean "rhythm" instead of "ryhme"?

The word you used, "Rhyme" means " word agreeing with another in terminal sound"
and "Rhythm" means "movement or procedure with uniform or patterned recurrence of a beat, accent".

Which one show your idea? Did I misunderstand yours?

Secondly, I guess there are some grammatical mistakes concering tenses.
But poems are so free and flexible that usually grammar does not matter much,( so are lyrics)
So, I am not going to discuss that.

If you wanna  further improve your poem, I believe that you can start from the rhymes.
And see if some of the words used can be replaced by the others so that the lines can be more smooth~

Personally, I don't like the match of "familiar" and "unknowns".
"Familiar" is an adj. and "unknowns"(**with the s) is a noun.
To be grammatically correct, the "s" from "unknowns" should be deleted.
And if possible, I will find any other pairs of words to replace them.
(But it's is not easy, i know)

Besides, Death is not MY enemy.(Not "mine")

P.S. I LIKE YOUR POEM! >W<

Hey, one of my friends also likes writing poems VERY MUCH.
If you are interested in her works, you can go to
http://m.paipai.fm/r6198069 AND
http://m.paipai.fm/r6197574

They are brilliant.
To me, I like the first poem more XD!

I agree with ifeelit. Love the poem. The title is very appropriate and corresponds to the content. While I think that the poem gives a very good central image, I also think that the rhyming can be more consistent, or it will come off as a bit messy, but it's poetry, so I don't think that there's an issue there.

"By the light of dawn,
I awaken yet do not rise.
My warm cocoon holds me,
T'is where I wish to be."

Likes the third sentence, I think "cocoon" is a very good choice of word. It prepares the main character for the morning, just like it prepares a caterpillar for its metamorphosis.


"Responsibility forces my actions,
I refresh and renew myself.
Stepping out of Morpheus' arms,
Basking in the morning's charms."

I really like the last two sentences, great way to describe a person waking up. But I think that the first sentence sounds a bit tacky.

Finally, let me restate that I love this poem. Love the poem. Love your style of writing. Love choice of words. I hope to see your next work soon.

P.S. I think "mine enemy" is Old English?

"Responsibility forces my actions,
I refresh and renew myself.
Stepping out of Morpheus' arms,
Basking in the morning's charms."

i guess the reason for cherrydonut to feel the first line tacky is that
your entire poem is so poetry but suddenly the line "Responsibility forces my actions"
becomes extremely rational and sermon like.
It's somehow hard selling.
BUT the idea is really good, and it's just about the way to express it.

P.S. Thanks cherrydonut for your kind reminder :>. i better spend more time on English Literature.

The poem is so beautifully written and the comments are equally fabulous. Wow, we have some lit students here. Kudos to you all.