Part 1 Chapter 13
For a period of four months at least this was exactly the way it worked out. After meeting her in this fashion, hewas devoting not an inconsiderable portion of his free time to attempting to interest her to the point where shewould take as much interest in him as she appeared to take in others. At the same time he could not tell whethershe could be made to entertain a singular affection for any one. Nor could he believe that there was only aninnocent camaraderie involved in all this. Yet she was so enticing that he was deliriously moved by the thoughtthat if his worst suspicions were true, she might ultimately favor him. So captivated was he by this savor ofsensuality and varietism that was about her, the stigmata of desire manifest in her gestures, moods, voice, theway she dressed, that he could not think of relinquishing her.
Rather, he foolishly ran after her. And seeing this, she put him off, at times evaded him, compelled him tocontent himself with little more than the crumbs of her company, while at the same time favoring him withdescriptions or pictures of other activities and contacts which made him feel as though he could no longer endureto merely trail her in this fashion. It was then he would announce to himself in anger that he was not going to seeher any more. She was no good to him, really. But on seeing her again, a cold indifference in everything she saidand did, his courage failed him and he could not think of severing the tie.
She was not at all backward at the same time in speaking of things that she needed or would like to have--littlethings, at first--a new powder puff, a lip stick, a box of powder or a bottle of perfume. Later, and without havingyielded anything more to Clyde than a few elusive and evasive endearments--intimate and languorous recliningsin his arms which promised much but always came to nothing--she made so bold as to indicate to him at differenttimes and in different ways, purses, blouses, slippers, stockings, a hat, which she would like to buy if only shehad the money. And he, in order to hold her favor and properly ingratiate himself, proceeded to buy them, thoughat times and because of some other developments in connection with his family, it pressed him hard to do so.
And yet, as he was beginning to see toward the end of the fourth month, he was apparently little farther advancedin her favor than he had been in the beginning. In short, he was conducting a feverish and almost painful pursuitwithout any definite promise of reward.
In the meantime, in so far as his home ties went, the irritations and the depressions which were almostinextricably involved with membership in the Griffiths family were not different from what they had ever been.
For, following the disappearance of Esta, there had settled a period of dejection which still endured. Only, in sofar as Clyde was concerned, it was complicated with a mystery which was tantalizing and something more-irritating;for when it came to anything which related to sex in the Griffiths family, no parents could possiblyhave been more squeamish.
And especially did this apply to the mystery which had now surrounded Esta for some time. She had gone. Shehad not returned. And so far as Clyde and the others knew, no word of any kind had been received from her.
However, Clyde had noted that after the first few weeks of her absence, during which time both his mother andfather had been most intensely wrought up and troubled, worrying greatly as to her whereabouts and why she didnot write, suddenly they had ceased their worries, and had become very much more resigned--at least not sotortured by a situation that previously had seemed to offer no hope whatsoever. He could not explain it. It was quite noticeable, and yet nothing was said. And then one day a little later, Clyde had occasion to note that hismother was in communication with some one by mail--something rare for her. For so few were her social orbusiness connections that she rarely received or wrote a letter.
One day, however, very shortly after he had connected himself with the Green-Davidson, he had come in ratherearlier than usual in the afternoon and found his mother bending over a letter which evidently had just arrivedand which appeared to interest her greatly. Also it seemed to be connected with something which requiredconcealment. For, on seeing him, she stopped reading at once, and, flustered and apparently nervous, arose andput the letter away without commenting in any way upon what she had been doing. But Clyde for some reason,intuition perhaps, had the thought that it might be from Esta. He was not sure. And he was too far away to detectthe character of the handwriting. But whatever it was, his mother said nothing afterwards concerning it. Shelooked as though she did not want him to inquire, and so reserved were their relations that he would not havethought of inquiring. He merely wondered, and then dismissed it partially, but not entirely, from his mind.
A month or five weeks after this, and just about the time that he was becoming comparatively well-schooled inhis work at the Green-Davidson, and was beginning to interest himself in Hortense Briggs, his mother came tohim one afternoon with a very peculiar proposition for her. Without explaining what it was for, or indicatingdirectly that now she felt that he might be in a better position to help her, she called him into the mission hallwhen he came in from work and, looking at him rather fixedly and nervously for her, said: "You wouldn't know,Clyde, would you, how I could raise a hundred dollars right away?"Clyde was so astonished that he could scarcely believe his ears, for only a few weeks before the mere mention ofany sum above four or five dollars in connection with him would have been preposterous. His mother knew that.
Yet here she was asking him and apparently assuming that he might be able to assist her in this way. And rightly,for both his clothes and his general air had indicated a period of better days for him.
At the same time his first thought was, of course, that she had observed his clothes and goings-on and wasconvinced that he was deceiving her about the amount he earned. And in part this was true, only so changed wasClyde's manner of late, that his mother had been compelled to take a very different attitude toward him and wasbeginning to be not a little dubious as to her further control over him. Recently, or since he had secured this latestplace, for some reason he had seemed to her to have grown wiser, more assured, less dubious of himself, inclinedto go his own way and keep his own counsel. And while this had troubled her not a little in one sense, it ratherpleased her in another. For to see Clyde, who had always seemed because of his sensitiveness and unrest somuch of a problem to her, developing in this very interesting way was something; though at times, and in view ofhis very recent finery, she had been wondering and troubled as to the nature of the company he might bekeeping. But since his hours were so long and so absorbing, and whatever money he made appeared to be goinginto clothes, she felt that she had no real reason to complain. Her one other thought was that perhaps he wasbeginning to act a little selfish--to think too much of his own comfort--and yet in the face of his longdeprivations she could not very well begrudge him any temporary pleasure, either.
Clyde, not being sure of her real attitude, merely looked at her and exclaimed: "Why, where would I get ahundred dollars, Ma?" He had visions of his new-found source of wealth being dissipated by such unheard of andinexplicable demands as this, and distress and distrust at once showed on his countenance.
"I didn't expect that you could get it all for me," Mrs. Griffiths suggested tactfully. "I have a plan to raise themost of it, I think. But I did want you to help me try to think how I would raise the rest. I didn't want to go toyour father with this if I could help it, and you're getting old enough now to be of some help." She looked atClyde approvingly and interestedly enough. "Your father is such a poor hand at business," she went on, "and hegets so worried at times."She passed a large and weary hand over her face and Clyde was moved by her predicament, whatever it was. Atthe same time, apart from whether he was willing to part with so much or not, or had it to give, he was decidedlycurious about what all this was for. A hundred dollars! Gee whiz!
After a moment or two, his mother added: "I'll tell you what I've been thinking. I must have a hundred dollars,but I can't tell you for what now, you nor any one, and you mustn't ask me. There's an old gold watch of yourfather's in my desk and a solid gold ring and pin of mine. Those things ought to be worth twenty-five dollars atleast, if they were sold or pawned. Then there is that set of solid silver knives and forks and that silver platter andpitcher in there"--Clyde knew the keepsakes well--"that platter alone is worth twenty-five dollars. I believe theyought to bring at least twenty or twenty-five together. I was thinking if I could get you to go to some goodpawnshop with them down near where you work, and then if you would let me have five more a week for awhile" (Clyde's countenance fell)--"I could get a friend of mine--Mr. Murch who comes here, you know--toadvance me enough to make up the hundred, and then I could pay him back out of what you pay me. I have aboutten dollars myself."She looked at Clyde as much as to say: "Now, surely, you won't desert me in my hour of trouble," and Clyderelaxed, in spite of the fact that he had been counting upon using quite all that he earned for himself. In fact, heagreed to take the trinkets to the pawnshop, and to advance her five more for the time being until the differencebetween whatever the trinkets brought and one hundred dollars was made up. And yet in spite of himself, hecould not help resenting this extra strain, for it had only been a very short time that he had been earning so much.
And here was his mother demanding more and more, as he saw it--ten dollars a week now. Always somethingwrong, thought Clyde, always something needed, and with no assurance that there would not be more suchdemands later.
He took the trinkets, carried them to the most presentable pawnshop he could find, and being offered forty-fivedollars for the lot, took it. This, with his mother's ten, would make fifty-five, and with forty-five she couldborrow from Mr. Murch, would make a hundred. Only now, as he saw, it would mean that for nine weeks hewould have to give her ten dollars instead of five. And that, in view of his present aspirations to dress, live andenjoy himself in a way entirely different from what he previously considered necessary, was by no means apleasure to contemplate. Nevertheless he decided to do it. After all he owed his mother something. She had mademany sacrifices for him and the others in days past and he could not afford to be too selfish. It was not decent.
But the most enduring thought that now came to him was that if his mother and father were going to look to himfor financial aid, they should be willing to show him more consideration than had previously been shown him.
For one thing he ought to be allowed to come and go with more freedom, in so far as his night hours wereconcerned. And at the same time he was clothing himself and eating his meals at the hotel, and that was no smallitem, as he saw it.
However, there was another problem that had soon arisen and it was this. Not so long after the matter of thehundred dollars, he encountered his mother in Montrose Street, one of the poorest streets which ran north fromBickel, and which consisted entirely of two unbroken lines of wooden houses and two-story flats and manyunfurnished apartments. Even the Griffiths, poor as they were, would have felt themselves demeaned by thethought of having to dwell in such a street. His mother was coming down the front steps of one of the lesstatterdemalion houses of this row, a lower front window of which carried a very conspicuous card which read"Furnished Rooms." And then, without turning or seeing Clyde across the street, she proceeded to another housea few doors away, which also carried a furnished rooms card and, after surveying the exterior interestedly,mounted the steps and rang the bell.
Clyde's first impression was that she was seeking the whereabouts of some individual in whom she wasinterested and of whose address she was not certain. But crossing over to her at about the moment theproprietress of the house put her head out of the door, he heard his mother say: "You have a room for rent?""Yes." "Has it a bath?" "No, but there's a bath on the second floor." "How much is it a week?" "Four dollars.""Could I see it?" "Yes, just step in."Mrs. Griffiths appeared to hesitate while Clyde stood below, not twenty-five feet away, and looked up at her,waiting for her to turn and recognize him. But she stepped in without turning. And Clyde gazed after hercuriously, for while it was by no means inconceivable that his mother might be looking for a room for some one,yet why should she be looking for it in this street when as a rule she usually dealt with the Salvation Army or theYoung Women's Christian Association. His first impulse was to wait and inquire of her what she was doing here,but being interested in several errands of his own, he went on.
That night, returning to his own home to dress and seeing his mother in the kitchen, he said to her: "I saw youthis morning, Ma, in Montrose Street.""Yes," his mother replied, after a moment, but not before he had noticed that she had started suddenly as thoughtaken aback by this information. She was paring potatoes and looked at him curiously. "Well, what of it?" sheadded, calmly, but flushing just the same--a thing decidedly unusual in connection with her where he wasconcerned. Indeed, that start of surprise interested and arrested Clyde.
"You were going into a house there--looking for a furnished room, I guess.""Yes, I was," replied Mrs. Griffiths, simply enough now. "I need a room for some one who is sick and hasn'tmuch money, but it's not so easy to find either." She turned away as though she were not disposed to discuss thisany more, and Clyde, while sensing her mood, apparently, could not resist adding: "Gee, that's not much of astreet to have a room in." His new work at the Green-Davidson had already caused him to think differently ofhow one should live-- any one. She did not answer him and he went to his room to change his clothes.
A month or so after this, coming east on Missouri Avenue late one evening, he again saw his mother in the neardistance coming west. In the light of one of the small stores which ranged in a row on this street, he saw that shewas carrying a rather heavy old-fashioned bag, which had long been about the house but had never been muchused by any one. On sight of him approaching (as he afterwards decided) she had stopped suddenly and turnedinto a hallway of a three-story brick apartment building, and when he came up to it, he found the outside door was shut. He opened it, and saw a flight of steps dimly lit, up which she might have gone. However, he did nottrouble to investigate, for he was uncertain, once he reached this place, whether she had gone to call on some oneor not, it had all happened so quickly. But waiting at the next corner, he finally saw her come out again. Andthen to his increasing curiosity, she appeared to look cautiously about before proceeding as before. It was thisthat caused him to think that she must have been endeavoring to conceal herself from him. But why?
His first impulse was to turn and follow her, so interested was he by her strange movements. But he decided laterthat if she did not want him to know what she was doing, perhaps it was best that he should not. At the same timehe was made intensely curious by this evasive gesture. Why should his mother not wish him to see her carrying abag anywhere? Evasion and concealment formed no part of her real disposition (so different from his own).
Almost instantly his mind proceeded to join this coincidence with the time he had seen her descending the stepsof the rooming house in Montrose Street, together with the business of the letter he had found her reading, andthe money she had been compelled to raise--the hundred dollars. Where could she be going? What was shehiding?
He speculated on all this, but he could not decide whether it had any definite connection with him or any memberof the family until about a week later, when, passing along Eleventh near Baltimore, he thought he saw Esta, orat least a girl so much like her that she would be taken for her anywhere. She had the same height, and she wasmoving along as Esta used to walk. Only, now he thought as he saw her, she looked older. Yet, so quickly hadshe come and gone in the mass of people that he had not been able to make sure. It was only a glance, but on thestrength of it, he had turned and sought to catch up with her, but upon reaching the spot she was gone. Soconvinced was he, however, that he had seen her that he went straight home, and, encountering his mother in themission, announced that he was positive he had seen Esta. She must be back in Kansas City again. He could havesworn to it. He had seen her near Eleventh and Baltimore, or thought he had. Had his mother heard anythingfrom her?
And then curiously enough he observed that his mother's manner was not exactly what he thought it should havebeen under the circumstances. His own attitude had been one of commingled astonishment, pleasure, curiosityand sympathy because of the sudden disappearance and now sudden reappearance of Esta. Could it be that hismother had used that hundred dollars to bring her back? The thought had come to him--why or from where, hecould not say. He wondered. But if so, why had she not returned to her home, at least to notify the family of herpresence here?
He expected his mother would be as astonished and puzzled as he was--quick and curious for details. Instead, sheappeared to him to be obviously confused and taken aback by this information, as though she was hearing aboutsomething that she already knew and was puzzled as to just what her attitude should be.
"Oh, did you? Where? Just now, you say? At Eleventh and Baltimore? Well, isn't that strange? I must speak toAsa about this. It's strange that she wouldn't come here if she is back." Her eyes, as he saw, instead of lookingastonished, looked puzzled, disturbed. Her mouth, always the case when she was a little embarrassed anddisconcerted, worked oddly--not only the lips but the jaw itself.
"Well, well," she added, after a pause. "That is strange. Perhaps it was just some one who looked like her."But Clyde, watching her out of the corner of his eye, could not believe that she was as astonished as shepretended. And, thereafter, Asa coming in, and Clyde not having as yet departed for the hotel, he heard themdiscussing the matter in some strangely inattentive and unillumined way, as if it was not quite as startling as ithad seemed to him. And for some time he was not called in to explain what he had seen.
And then, as if purposely to solve this mystery for him, he encountered his mother one day passing along SpruceStreet, this time carrying a small basket on her arm. She had, as he had noticed of late, taken to going outregularly mornings and afternoons or evenings. On this occasion, and long before she had had an opportunity tosee him, he had discerned her peculiarly heavy figure draped in the old brown coat which she always wore, andhad turned into Myrkel Street and waited for her to pass, a convenient news stand offering him shelter. Once shehad passed, he dropped behind her, allowing her to precede him by half a block. And at Dalrymple, she crossedto Beaudry, which was really a continuation of Spruce, but not so ugly. The houses were quite old--quondamresidences of an earlier day, but now turned into boarding and rooming houses. Into one of these he saw her enterand disappear, but before doing so she looked inquiringly about her.
After she had entered, Clyde approached the house and studied it with great interest. What was his mother doingin there? Who was it she was going to see? He could scarcely have explained his intense curiosity to himself, andyet, since having thought that he had seen Esta on the street, he had an unconvinced feeling that it might havesomething to do with her. There were the letters, the one hundred dollars, the furnished room in Montrose Street.
Diagonally across the way from the house in Beaudry Street there was a large-trunked tree, leafless now in thewinter wind, and near it a telegraph pole, close enough to make a joint shadow with it. And behind these he wasable to stand unseen, and from this vantage point to observe the several windows, side and front and ground andsecond floor. Through one of the front windows above, he saw his mother moving about as though she werequite at home there. And a moment later, to his astonishment he saw Esta come to one of their two windows andput a package down on the sill. She appeared to have on only a light dressing gown or a wrap drawn about hershoulders. He was not mistaken this time. He actually started as he realized that it was she, also that his motherwas in there with her. And yet what had she done that she must come back and hide away in this manner? Hadher husband, the man she had run away with, deserted her?
He was so intensely curious that he decided to wait a while outside here to see if his mother might not come out,and then he himself would call on Esta. He wanted so much to see her again--to know what this mystery was allabout. He waited, thinking how he had always liked Esta and how strange it was that she should be here, hidingaway in this mysterious way.
After an hour, his mother came out, her basket apparently empty, for she held it lightly in her hand. And just asbefore, she looked cautiously about her, her face wearing that same stolid and yet care-stamped expression whichit always wore these days--a cross between an uplifting faith and a troublesome doubt.
Clyde watched her as she proceeded to walk south on Beaudry Street toward the Mission. After she was well outof sight, he turned and entered the house. Inside, as he had surmised, he found a collection of furnished rooms,name plates some of which bore the names of the roomers pasted upon them. Since he knew that the southeastfront room upstairs contained Esta, he proceeded there and knocked. And true enough, a light footstep respondedwithin, and presently, after some little delay which seemed to suggest some quick preparation within, the door opened slightly and Esta peeped out--quizzically at first, then with a little cry of astonishment and someconfusion. For, as inquiry and caution disappeared, she realized that she was looking at Clyde. At once sheopened the door wide.
"Why, Clyde," she called. "How did you come to find me? I was just thinking of you."Clyde at once put his arms around her and kissed her. At the same time he realized, and with a slight sense ofshock and dissatisfaction, that she was considerably changed. She was thinner--paler--her eyes almost sunken,and not any better dressed than when he had seen her last. She appeared nervous and depressed. One of the firstthoughts that came to him now was where her husband was. Why wasn't he here? What had become of him? Ashe looked about and at her, he noticed that Esta's look was one of confusion and uncertainty, not unmixed with alittle satisfaction at seeing him. Her mouth was partly open because of a desire to smile and to welcome him, buther eyes showed that she was contending with a problem.
"I didn't expect you here," she added, quickly, the moment he released her. "You didn't see--" Then she paused,catching herself at the brink of some information which evidently she didn't wish to impart.
"Yes, I did, too--I saw Ma," he replied. "That's how I came to know you were here. I saw her coming out justnow and I saw you up here through the window." (He did not care to confess that he had been following andwatching his mother for an hour.) "But when did you get back?" he went on. "It's a wonder you wouldn't let therest of us know something about you. Gee, you're a dandy, you are--going away and staying months and neverletting any one of us know anything. You might have written me a little something, anyhow. We always gotalong pretty well, didn't we?"His glance was quizzical, curious, imperative. She, for her part, felt recessive and thence evasive--uncertain,quite, what to think or say or tell.
She uttered: "I couldn't think who it might be. No one comes here. But, my, how nice you look, Clyde. You'vegot such nice clothes, now. And you're getting taller. Mamma was telling me you are working at the Green-Davidson."She looked at him admiringly and he was properly impressed by her notice of him. At the same time he could notget his mind off her condition. He could not cease looking at her face, her eyes, her thin-fat body. And as helooked at her waist and her gaunt face, he came to a very keen realization that all was not well with her. She wasgoing to have a child. And hence the thought recurred to him--where was her husband--or at any rate, the manshe had eloped with. Her original note, according to her mother, had said that she was going to get married. Yetnow he sensed quite clearly that she was not married. She was deserted, left in this miserable room here alone.
He saw it, felt it, understood it.
And he thought at once that this was typical of all that seemed to occur in his family. Here he was just getting astart, trying to be somebody and get along in the world and have a good time. And here was Esta, after her firstventure in the direction of doing something for herself, coming to such a finish as this. It made him a little sickand resentful.
"How long have you been back, Esta?" he repeated dubiously, scarcely knowing just what to say now, for nowthat he was here and she was as she was he began to scent expense, trouble, distress and to wish almost that hehad not been so curious. Why need he have been? It could only mean that he must help.
"Oh, not so very long, Clyde. About a month, now, I guess. Not more than that.""I thought so. I saw you up on Eleventh near Baltimore about a month ago, didn't I? Sure I did," he added a littleless joyously--a change that Esta noted. At the same time she nodded her head affirmatively. "I knew I did. Itold Ma so at the time, but she didn't seem to think so. She wasn't as surprised as I thought she would be, though.
I know why, now. She acted as though she didn't want me to tell her about it either. But I knew I wasn't wrong."He stared at Esta oddly, quite proud of his prescience in this case. He paused though, not knowing quite whatelse to say and wondering whether what he had just said was of any sense or import. It didn't seem to suggest anyreal aid for her.
And she, not quite knowing how to pass over the nature of her condition, or to confess it, either, was puzzledwhat to say. Something had to be done. For Clyde could see for himself that her predicament was dreadful. Shecould scarcely bear the look of his inquiring eyes. And more to extricate herself than her mother, she finallyobserved, "Poor Mamma. You mustn't think it strange of her, Clyde. She doesn't know what to do, you see,really. It's all my fault, of course. If I hadn't run away, I wouldn't have caused her all this trouble. She has so littleto do with and she's always had such a hard time." She turned her back to him suddenly, and her shoulders beganto tremble and her sides to heave. She put her hands to her face and bent her head low--and then he knew that shewas silently crying.
"Oh, come now, sis," exclaimed Clyde, drawing near to her instantly and feeling intensely sorry for her at themoment. "What's the matter? What do you want to cry for? Didn't that man that you went away with marry you?"She shook her head negatively and sobbed the more. And in that instant there came to Clyde the realpsychological as well as sociological and biological import of his sister's condition. She was in trouble,pregnant--and with no money and no husband. That was why his mother had been looking for a room. That waswhy she had tried to borrow a hundred dollars from him. She was ashamed of Esta and her condition. She wasashamed of not only what people outside the family would think, but of what he and Julia and Frank mightthink--the effect of Esta's condition upon them perhaps--because it was not right, unmoral, as people saw it. Andfor that reason she had been trying to conceal it, telling stories about it--a most amazing and difficult thing forher, no doubt. And yet, because of poor luck, she hadn't succeeded very well.
And now he was again confused and puzzled, not only by his sister's condition and what it meant to him and theother members of the family here in Kansas City, but also by his mother's disturbed and somewhat unmoralattitude in regard to deception in this instance. She had evaded if not actually deceived him in regard to all this,for she knew Esta was here all the time. At the same time he was not inclined to be too unsympathetic in thatrespect toward her--far from it. For such deception in such an instance had to be, no doubt, even where peoplewere as religious and truthful as his mother, or so he thought. You couldn't just let people know. He certainlywouldn't want to let people know about Esta, if he could help it. What would they think? What would they sayabout her and him? Wasn't the general state of his family low enough, as it was? And so, now he stood, staringand puzzled the while Esta cried. And she realizing that he was puzzled and ashamed, because of her, cried the more.
"Gee, that is tough," said Clyde, troubled, and yet fairly sympathetic after a time. "You wouldn't have run awaywith him unless you cared for him though--would you?" (He was thinking of himself and Hortense Briggs.) "I'msorry for you, Ess. Sure, I am, but it won't do you any good to cry about it now, will it? There's lots of otherfellows in the world beside him. You'll come out of it all right.""Oh, I know," sobbed Esta, "but I've been so foolish. And I've had such a hard time. And now I've brought allthis trouble on Mamma and all of you." She choked and hushed a moment. "He went off and left me in a hotel inPittsburgh without any money," she added. "And if it hadn't been for Mamma, I don't know what I would havedone. She sent me a hundred dollars when I wrote her. I worked for a while in a restaurant--as long as I could. Ididn't want to write home and say that he had left me. I was ashamed to. But I didn't know what else to do theretoward the last, when I began feeling so bad."She began to cry again; and Clyde, realizing all that his mother had done and sought to do to assist her, feltalmost as sorry now for his mother as he did for Esta--more so, for Esta had her mother to look after her and hismother had almost no one to help her.
"I can't work yet, because I won't be able to for a while," she went on. "And Mamma doesn't want me to comehome now because she doesn't want Julia or Frank or you to know. And that's right, too, I know. Of course it is.
And she hasn't got anything and I haven't. And I get so lonely here, sometimes." Her eyes filled and she began tochoke again. "And I've been so foolish."And Clyde felt for the moment as though he could cry too. For life was so strange, so hard at times. See how ithad treated him all these years. He had had nothing until recently and always wanted to run away. But Esta haddone so, and see what had befallen her. And somehow he recalled her between the tall walls of the big buildingshere in the business district, sitting at his father's little street organ and singing and looking so innocent and good.
Gee, life was tough. What a rough world it was anyhow. How queer things went!
He looked at her and the room, and finally, telling her that she wouldn't be left alone, and that he would comeagain, only she mustn't tell his mother he had been there, and that if she needed anything she could call on himalthough he wasn't making so very much, either--and then went out. And then, walking toward the hotel to go towork, he kept dwelling on the thought of how miserable it all was--how sorry he was that he had followed hismother, for then he might not have known. But even so, it would have come out. His mother could not haveconcealed it from him indefinitely. She would have asked for more money eventually maybe. But what a dogthat man was to go off and leave his sister in a big strange city without a dime. He puzzled, thinking now of thegirl who had been deserted in the Green-Davidson some months before with a room and board bill unpaid. Andhow comic it had seemed to him and the other boys at the time--highly colored with a sensual interest in it.
But this, well, this was his own sister. A man had thought so little of his sister as that. And yet, try as he would,he could no longer think that it was as terrible as when he heard her crying in the room. Here was this brisk,bright city about him running with people and effort, and this gay hotel in which he worked. That was not so bad.
Besides there was his own love affair, Hortense, and pleasures. There must be some way out for Esta. She wouldget well again and be all right. But to think of his being part of a family that was always so poor and so little thought of that things like this could happen to it--one thing and another--like street preaching, not being able topay the rent at times, his father selling rugs and clocks for a living on the streets--Esta running away and comingto an end like this. Gee!
就象以上所说的情况，至少持续了四个月。克莱德同她初次相识以后，便一直在用他大部分的闲暇竭力设法让她如同眼下看上去她对待别的小伙子那样对他感到兴趣。与此同时，他既说不准她到底会不会对哪一个人有真诚的感情，也不能相信她与他之间只存在一种天真无邪的朋友关系。不过话又说回来，她毕竟是那么迷人，使他糊里糊涂地认为:
要是他的猜想正确的话，最后也许她会喜欢他的。霍丹斯身上诱出一种富于性感和瞬息多变的味儿，以及她通过种种姿势。脾气。声调和服饰所显示出的一腔情欲，已使他如此迷恋不已，说实在的，他舍不得抛弃她。
一句话，他是一个劲儿傻追她。她呢，一见此状，索性把他扔在一边，有时候躲着他，使他最多只能跟她一块玩玩。与此同时，她还情愿讲给他听自己和别的一些小伙子的交际活动，让他觉得自己再也无法继续只用这样的方式追求她了。一气之下，他居然对自己发誓说，从此以后再也不去看她了。说实话，他同她交往，原是一点儿好处都没有的。可是下次又见到了她，只见她的一言一行，一招一式，依然是冷冰冰。不好不坏的样子，他的勇气也就倏忽不见了……同她断绝往来，他实在想也不敢想。
与此同时，凡是她需要的东西，或是心里想的东西，都给克莱德讲了，一点儿都不害臊……开头是一些小玩意儿……比方说，一只新粉扑。一支口红。
一盒香粉，或是一瓶香水。后来呢，尽管她对克莱德只不过表示一两回躲躲闪闪。半推半就的亲昵行为……情意绵绵地偎在他怀里，这种动作看起来好象大有希望，但事实上常常让他落了空……她照样有胆量，敢于在不同的时间，以不同的方式，向他提到过什么钱包。罩衫。拖鞋。长袜。帽子等东西，说她要是有钱的话就要买。而他呢，为了继续讨好她。巴结她，也就去买了，虽然有时家里有事要用钱，他手头实在也是抠得够紧的。不过，到了第四个月月底，他才开始明白:
她对他的好感，同他们刚开始相识时相比，显然没有什么进步。
一句话，他正在进行一场热烈。几乎是痛苦的追求，但又没有什么明确的。可望成功的预兆。
再说说他的家吧，格里菲思一家如今陷入烦躁和抑郁之中，几乎不可自拔，同过去毫无二致。因为爱思达失踪以后，一家人至今依然心情沮丧。只不过克莱德的情况更要复杂，还有一种让他们感到难过，乃至于恼火的神秘感。因为在格里菲思家里，只要一涉及性的问题，天底下父母的态度就数格里菲思夫妇最富有神经质的了。
这一点，在环绕着爱思达的秘密上特别能看出问题。她出走了，至今也没有回来。克莱德与弟妹们好歹知道，家里一直没有得到任何有关她的信息。不过，克莱德注意到，她失踪后头几个星期里，父母特别焦急不安，非常揪心的是:
她究竟上哪儿去了，为什么她不写信来。后来不知怎的，他们突然不再忧心忡忡了，变得好象完全听天由命似的……至少不象前一时期因为看来毫无希望而感到无比苦恼了。个中道理他说不上来。这一转变已是很明显的，也没有人对此作过任何说明。稍后，克莱德注意到，有一天母亲跟一个人在通信……这在她是很少见的。因为她结交的朋友和业务联系都很少，平时极其难得收到或则寄发一封信。
可是，他到格林－戴维逊大酒店后没多久，有一天下午，他比往常回家早些，发现母亲正低着头看信。信显然是刚收到的，看来对她来说非常重要。也好象同某一件必须保密的事有联系。因为她一见到他，就马上不看了，脸涨得绯红，显然很慌张不安，站起来把信收了起来，压根儿也没说她刚才在看什么。
不过，出于某种原因，也许就是所谓直觉吧，克莱德认为这封信说不定是爱思达寄来的。可他又说不准。毕竟他站得太远，没法看清笔迹。不过，不管怎么说吧，母亲后来就没有向他再提这件事。瞧她那种神色好象并不希望他多问，何况他们之间的关系那样拘谨，他也不会想到再去问她。他只是在心中暗自纳闷，后来把这件事几乎(但不是全部)忘得一干二净了。
又过了一个月或是五个星期，正当他在格林－戴维逊工作干得比较熟练，开始喜欢霍丹斯。布里格斯的时候，有一天下午，母亲突然向他提出了一个很怪的问题。他刚下班回来，她就把他叫到传道馆大厅，既没有说明为什么叫他来，也没有直截了当地说明她觉得他现在已有力量给她一点帮助，而是两眼直勾勾地盯着他，忐忑不安地对他说:
"克莱德，你知道不知道，叫我怎能马上就敛到一百块美元?
"克莱德听了大吃一惊，几乎不相信自己的耳朵。因为，就在一两个星期以前，仅仅向他提出四五块美元以上的数目，也还被看成是要不得的。他母亲想必也明白。可如今，她一开口这样问他，显然以为他或许能助她一臂之力。不错，反正他的衣着打扮和他整个派头，就说明他已过上好日子了。
当时，他首先想到的，不消说，就是他的衣着打扮和他的举止品行……母亲早已看在眼里，并且认为他把自己的收入对她瞒着不说。这固然有一部分也是实情，不过，最近克莱德态度大变，母亲也不得不对他采取一种较前截然不同的态度，同时，对她往后能不能管得住他，也不免开始有点儿犯疑。近来，也可以说，打从他觅到这个新事由以来，她觉得，出于某种原因，看来他好象变得聪明些，信心多了些，自卑感少了，喜欢我行我素，自作主张。儿子这些表现，使她感到困惑不安，但又暗自高兴。因为，克莱德敏感而又心不定的天性，似乎一向是她猜摸不透的大问题，如今看到他能往自立方向发展，自然也很不错;固然有时候，见他最近身上服饰打扮过于漂亮了，她心里不免感到困惑，怀疑他莫非交上了什么样儿的朋友。不过，反正他的工作时间很长，又很费精神，而且他挣的钱，看来都已花在衣服上了，她觉得确实找不出理由来发牢骚的。她脑际忽然又闪过一个念头:
他也许开始有点儿自私……对自己的舒适享受想得太多了……不过，想到他长期以来过着苦日子，如今他偶尔想要乐一乐，反正她也不好意思责备他。
克莱德还闹不明白她真正的意图何在，只是两眼直瞅着，大声嚷道:
"哦，叫我上哪儿去寻摸这一百块美元，妈呀?
"他心里琢磨着他找到的财源，很可能被这一前所未闻而又莫名其妙的要求消耗殆尽，他脸上顿时露出苦恼和怀疑的神色。
"我并不指望我要的整笔钱都叫你去寻摸，"格里菲思太太很委婉地说。"我有一个计划，我想，可以敛到大部分的钱。不过，我的确要你帮我出出主意，看不足部分叫我怎么去张罗。反正我只要有一点儿办法，决不乐意找你父亲去说。何况如今你也长大了，可以给我帮点忙了。"她露出一种赞许而又感兴趣的神情望着克莱德。"你父亲做生意没能耐，"她接下去又说，"此外，近来他把心也给操碎了。"这时，她那疲乏的大手正从她脸上掠过，克莱德对她如今陷入困境，深为同情，只是不知道这究竟是怎么回事。先不说他是否乐意拿出这么一笔钱来，或者也可以说，他是否拿得出这么一笔钱来，反正他对这件事的底细怀有很强的好奇心。一百块美元!
数目可不小!
不一会儿，他母亲又接下去说:
"我可把我心里一直琢磨着的事全告诉了你呗。我必须弄到一百块美元，可是干什么用的，现在我还不能告诉你，或是告诉任何人，你也不必追问我。我的桌子里有你父亲的一块老式金表，此外还有我的一只赤金戒指和别针。这些东西要是拿出去卖了，或是抵押了的话，至少值二十五块美元。再说，还有那套纯银刀叉和银碟子。银壶"……这些纪念品克莱德本来就熟悉……"单是那些银碟子，就值二十五块美元。我相信这些东西合在一块，少说也值二十到二十五块美元。我心里在琢磨，你能不能把这些东西交到你大酒店附近哪一家当铺去，此外，我说，你能不能暂时每星期多交给我五块美元。"(克莱德马上脸一沉)……"我不妨找我的一个朋友……常来我们传道馆的默奇先生，你是认识的……可以把钱先交给我，凑足一百块美元，将来你给我的钱，我就可以拿来归还他。我自己手头还有十块美元。"她两眼直望着克莱德，好象说:
"哦，目前我有困难，你当然不会看着我不管。
"克莱德心也软下来了，尽管他原来想把挣来的钱差不多全给自己花消。事实上，他同意把这几件小玩意儿送当铺去，并在当铺给的钱与一百块美元的差额还没有偿还以前，暂时多给五块美元。不过，他对这个额外的要求，还是情不自禁感到忿忿不平，因为他仅仅是在不久前才挣到了这么多钱。而且依他看，母亲提出要求越来越多了……如今每星期要十块美元。克莱德心想，家里老是出岔错，短这个。缺那个，说不定以后准会又提出一些什么新要求来。
他拿着这些小玩意儿，送进了他找到的最殷实的一家当铺，按物开价，四十五块美元，他就如数收讫了。这笔钱，连同母亲的十块美元，就是五十五块美元，再加上她向默奇先生暂借的四十五块美元，总共一百块美元。他想了一想，这也就是说，今后有九个星期他每星期就得给她十块美元，而不是五块美元。现在他老是巴不得自己生活享受，乃至于穿着打扮，都要跟从前迥然不同，所以，他一想到这里，自然是极不愉快的。不过，他还是决定满足母亲的要求。
他毕竟应对母亲有所报恩的。过去，母亲为了他和弟妹们作出了许多牺牲，他可不能太自私了。要知道那是要不得的。
不过，现在他脑海里有一个萦绕不去的想法，那就是:
父母既然向他求援要钱，就应该对他比从前更加关心体贴才好。先讲一件事吧，就以他晚上回家时间来说，他来去好歹都应该享有更多自由。何况现在他穿着是自己买的，吃饭由酒店包了，依他看，那笔花消也不小啊。
可是不久突然发生了另一个问题。原来是这样的:
就在筹措一百块美元以后不久，他在蒙特罗斯街上遇见了他母亲。那是本城最穷的街道之一，位于比克尔街以北，两旁是鳞次栉比的木头房子。两层楼出租房子，和许多不带家具的小公寓房子。格里菲思一家人穷固然穷，要是一想到住在这样的一条穷街上，也会觉得有失自己身份。这时，他母亲正从这一排房子中还算不上破烂透顶的一户人家台阶上拾级而下，这所房子底楼窗上挂着一块显眼的牌子，写着:
"备有家具的房间出租"。那时候，没有转过身来，没有看见克莱德正穿过街道，她径直向隔开一两户人家的另一座房子走去，那里也挂着备有家具的房间出租的牌子。她上下打量了一下房子的外表，就顺着台阶拾级而上，按了一下门铃。
克莱德开头以为母亲是在寻访一个什么人，可是住址她记不确切了。不过，当他正在过街朝她走去的时候，女房东把头探出门外，他听见母亲开口问:
"你有房间出租吗?
""有的。""有浴室吗?
""没有。不过二楼有一个浴室。""每星期房租多少?
""四块美元。""我可以看一看吗?
""当然罗，里请。"格里菲思太太好象迟疑了一会儿。这时，克莱德已伫立在下面，离她不到二十五英尺，正抬头直望着她，等待她转过身认出他来。不过，她并没有转身，就走进去了。克莱德一时感到好奇，两眼直盯着她。本来嘛，母亲给别人寻摸房子，也是不足为奇的，不过，按说她常去救世军或则基督教女青年会，现在怎么去这条穷街寻摸呢。开头他想在这里等一下，问母亲来这里干什么的，无奈有几件事急着要办，他就走了。
当天晚上，他回家换衣服，看见母亲在厨房里，就开口问她:
"今儿早上，妈，我看见你在蒙特罗斯街上。""是的，"过了半晌，母亲才回答，不过，他发觉她大吃一惊，好象这个消息一下子把她怔住了。这在过去他是从没见过的。她正在削土豆皮，不觉好奇地望了他一眼。"哦，那怎么啦?
"她找补着说，虽然从容自若，但脸上还是唰地涨红了。据他揣测，这事对她来说肯定异乎寻常。她那惊惧的神色，不用说，引起了克莱德的注意。"你走进了一户人家，依我看，是去寻摸一个备有家具的房间吧。""是的，我正是去寻摸呢，"格里菲思太太回答说。直到此刻，她才说得就这么简而明了。"有个人得了病，又没有钱，我得给他寻摸一个房间。不过，这事也不太容易寻摸。"她一转身就走了，好象不想再谈下去似的。克莱德虽然一眼看透了她的心情，看来还是情不自禁又添上了一句:
"唉，这样一条街上，哪能寻摸到房子呢。"反正他在格林－戴维逊大酒店的新工作，早就促使他形成一种与前迥然不同的人生观。母亲并没有答话，他也就到自己房间换衣服去了。
约莫一个月以后，有一天晚上，他在密苏里大街上正往东走去，又见他母亲从不远的地方迎面走来。借着街上一长溜小铺里不知是哪一家的灯光，他看见她手里拎着一个相当沉的老式手提包(这个手提包一直搁在家里，长期废置不用)。她一见他走过来(正如后来他这样回想道)，就突然停住，拐进一座三层楼砖砌公寓房子的门廊，等他走了过去，大门已给关上了。他把门打开，看见昏暗灯光下有一段楼梯，也许她就拾级而上了。不过，他到这里以后，还没有进一步调查，因为他始终说不准:
她是不是进去访客的，而且这一切来得又是那么迅雷不及掩耳。不过，他躲在附近一个拐角处等着，终于看见她走出来了。看来她就象刚来时那样，小心翼翼地先往四下里扫了一眼才走的，这使他越发感到好奇了。因此，他心中暗自思忖，一定是她故意躲避，不让他看见的。可是为什么呢?
他脑际掠过头一个闪念，就是想转过身来跟她走，因为他对她那些奇怪的行动相当惊奇。后来，他转念一想，要是她不希望他知道她现在所做的事，也许还是少管闲事为好。不过，瞧她那副躲躲闪闪的德行，不由得使他更加感到好奇。为什么他母亲不愿他看见自己拎着手提包上某个地方呢?
如此鬼鬼祟祟。
躲躲闪闪的作风，是不符合她的秉性(他自己的秉性，却与妈妈大相径庭)。他心里马上就把这次邂逅，同上次见到妈在蒙特罗斯街一所出租房子拾级而下，以及见到妈在看信的事和四出筹措一百块美元的事通通联系在一块儿了。妈到底上哪儿去的?
她要捂着的，究竟又是什么事呢?
他对这一切进行了种种猜测，但他还是不能断定这件事同他本人或是家里哪个人有一定联系。约莫一星期后，他走过巴尔的摩街附近的第十一街，觉得好象看见了爱思达，或者至少是一个活脱脱跟她一模一样的姑娘，不论在哪儿见到，都会把她当做爱思达:
她的身材与走路的姿势，也跟爱思达毫无二致。不过，克莱德觉得这一回看见，仿佛她显得老相些。她来去匆匆，在人群中一晃就消失了，他来不及看清楚，是不是真的爱思达。虽然仅仅是匆匆一瞥，但是好象两眼突然豁亮似的，他一转过身，想要赶上她，谁知道当他走近的时候，她早已不见影儿了。不过，他深信，没错儿，他见到了她，径直回家转，在传道馆遇到母亲，就说他肯定看见爱思达了。她准定又回到堪萨斯城了。他可以指着老天爷起誓说，他是在第十一街和巴尔的摩街附近看见她的，至少他认为他看见的是她。他母亲有没有听说过有关她的消息呢?
说来也真怪，他觉得，他母亲听了这个消息后，她的态度正是他始料所不及。至于他自己对爱思达的突然失踪和如今又突然出现，真可以说是百感交集:
惊讶。高兴。好奇和同情。也许母亲就是用那一百块美元把她接回来的?
他心中忽然掠过这么一个闪念……至于他为什么会有这个闪念，这个闪念又是从哪儿来的，他就说不清了。他心里只是暗自纳闷。不过果真是这样的话，那末，她为什么不回到自己家里呢?
至少也得通知一声家里，说她已经回来了。
他原来以为母亲一定会象他那样大吃一惊和迷惑不解……急急乎要想打听个仔细。殊不知适得其反，他觉得，母亲听了这个消息，显得很窘困，茫然不知所措，好象她听到的，正是她早已知道的事，真不知道此刻她该如何表态才好。
"哦，你真的看见了?
是在哪儿?
你说刚才吗?
是在第十一街和巴尔的摩街拐角处?
哦，这不是很怪吗?
这事我可一定要告诉阿萨。要是她回来了，可又不来家里，那才怪呢。"他看到她眼里显露出的不是惊异，而是困惑不安的神色。她的嘴如同她平时茫然失措。陷入窘境时那样奇怪地翕动着……不仅仅嘴唇，甚至连牙床也在抖索着。
"唔，唔，"过了半晌，她找补着说。"这事也真怪呀。也许是哪一个姑娘的模样儿长得很象她吧。"可是，克莱德用眼梢乜着她，不相信她真象她佯装的那样惊诧。后来，阿萨进来了，克莱德还没有动身上酒店去。他听见他们谈这件事的时候很冷淡，好象满不在乎似的，根本不象他意料之中那么吃惊。过了片刻才叫他进去，把他所看见的情况详细谈谈。
后来，仿佛有意让他解开这个谜似的，有一天，他恰巧遇见母亲正在斯普鲁斯街上走，这次她胳臂上挽着一只小篮子。最近他注意到，她总是有规则地在早上。午后或是傍晚外出。这一回，她还没来得及看到他，他却早已瞧见了她那粗壮得出奇的身形，穿着她老是穿的那件棕色旧外套。他就踅进了默克尔街，等她走过，那里正有一个报摊，好歹让他隐蔽一下。她一走过，他就尾随她后面，两人相隔半排房子的距离。她在达尔林普尔街拐进博德里街……其实就是斯普鲁斯街延伸出来的，不过倒也并不太丑陋。那一带房子很旧……都是早年的旧宅，现已改成供膳。备有家具的出租房子。他看见她走进了其中的一所，倏忽就不见了。不过，她在进门前，照例往四下里张望了一下。
待她进门后，克莱德就走到那所房子跟前，仔细打量了一番。他母亲上这儿来干什么的?
她看望的是谁?
为什么他会产生那么大的好奇心，连他自个儿都说不清。不过，从他好象在街上看见过爱思达的那时起，他心里总是模模糊糊地感到:
所有这一切也许跟她有点儿关系。此外还有那些信。那一百块美元，以及蒙特罗斯街上备有家具的出租房子。
博德里街那所房子斜对面，有一棵躯干壮硕的大树，如今在冬天的寒风里，树叶早已枯凋殆尽。树旁有一根电线杆，两者紧傍在一块，他伫立在后面，人们就看不见他。而他利用这个有利的角度，却可以看到这所房子好几个窗口，边上的。临街的。底楼的和二楼的。他抬头仰望楼上一个临街的窗子，只见他母亲正走来走去，好象已是熟不拘礼似的。过了半晌，他猛地吃一惊，居然看见爱思达走到两窗之中的一个窗口，把一包东西放在窗台上。她好象身上只穿一件淡色晨衣，要不是披着一块披肩吧。这一回，他准没有看错。他认出了就是她，还有他母亲跟她在一块，真的叫他大吃一惊。不过话又说回来，她究竟做过了什么事，使她不得不要回来，而且还得这样躲避家人呢?
难道说她丈夫，也就是跟她私奔的那个人，已经把她抛弃了吗?
他急急乎想把事情底细闹清楚，就决定在户外等候片刻，看他母亲是不是会出来，随后他自己看望爱思达去。他心里恨不得再见到她……很想一下子识破这个秘密。他等呀等，心里一直在暗想:
他一向喜欢爱思达，可是如今她来到这儿，鬼鬼祟祟地躲了起来，好不奇怪!
过了一个钟头，他母亲出来了，她的那只篮子，显然已经空了，因为她拎在手里好象毫不费力似的。她如同刚来时一样，小心翼翼地往四下里张望了一下，脸上露出最近以来常有的迟钝但又忧心忡忡的神色……一种崇高的信仰和恼人的疑虑的混合物。
她正沿着博德里街往南向传道馆走去，克莱德两眼直楞楞地望着她。等到看不见她的影儿以后，他才转过身来，走进了这所房子，里面正如他原先猜想的那样，他看见了好几个备有家具的房间。有一些房间，门上的牌子贴着房客的名字。他早已知道爱思达住在楼上东南角临街的一间，也就径直走去，敲了一下门。果真没有错儿，只听见室内一阵轻轻的脚步声，又过了一会儿，不用说，里面正匆忙拾掇一下，然后房门轻轻地开了，隙着一条缝，爱思达探出头来张望……先是惶悚，继而惊恐不安，轻轻地喊了一声。她定神一看，原来就是克莱德，所以也用不着探询和小心提防了。她马上把房门敞开。
"哦，克莱德，"她大声嚷嚷说。"你怎么会找到我的?
我正好在惦着你呀。"克莱德马上拥抱她，吻她。这时，他发觉她变化相当大，不免感到有点儿惊诧。不满。她比前时瘦……苍白……眼窝几乎深陷，身上穿得也不比她出走前好。她显然紧张不安，心情抑郁。此刻他脑海里闪过头一个闪念，就是她丈夫在哪儿呢。为什么他不在这儿?
他现在怎么啦?
克莱德举目四顾，又把她仔细端详一番，发现爱思达露出慌乱不安的神色，当然还是相当高兴同弟弟重逢。她的嘴唇微微翕动，因为她想笑一笑，表示欢迎，不过，从她那双眼睛看得出她心里正在竭力解决一个难题。
"我想不到会在这里见到你，"他一松手，她马上找补着说。"你没看见……"她说了半句就顿住了，差一点儿把一个她不乐意公开的消息说漏了嘴。
"是的，当然，我也看见了……我看见妈了，"他回答说。"所以我才知道你住在这儿。我刚看见她走出来，还有，我从窗口看见你在这儿。"(可他不承认自己跟踪监视母亲已有一个钟头了)"不过，你什么时候回来的?
"他接下去说。"干吗你不让我们弟妹知道你的事儿，真怪。嘿，你可敢情好啊，一走几个月……音信全无。你好歹也得给我写个短信啊。我们俩一向志趣相投，是不是?
"他两眼直望着她，露出多疑。好奇和恳求的神色。她呢，先是竭力回避，继而闪烁其词，真不知道该想些什么，或者说些什么，或者告诉他些什么。
她终于开口说:
"我还不知道敲门的是谁呢。谁都没有来过这儿。不过，我的老天哪，瞧你多神气，克莱德。现在，你穿上漂亮衣服啦。你个儿也长高啦。
妈告诉我，说你现在格林－戴维逊工作。"她不胜艳羡地望着他。克莱德也定神凝视着她，感触很深，同时对她的遭际始终不能忘怀。他一个劲儿望着她的脸庞。她的眼眸，以及她那消瘦的身躯。
当他一看到她的腰肢和她憔悴的脸儿，马上感到她的情况不妙。她快要生孩子啦。因此，他突然心里又想到:
她的丈夫……至少可以说，那个跟她私奔的人……现在哪儿呢?
据母亲说，当初她留下的便条上说她就是结婚去的。可是，他现在才闹明白她还没有结过婚呢。她被遗弃了，孤零零地住在这寒碜的房间里。这一点他已看见了，感到了，而且也明白了。
他马上想到，这就是他一家人生活遭遇中最典型的事件。他刚开始独立生活，很想做一个了不起的人物，在社会上发迹，过上快活的日子。爱思达也作过这样尝试:
她为了自己想出人头地，头一次冒着这么大的风险，最后却得到这样一个结局。这不免使他感到有点儿伤心和愤懑。
"你回来多久了，爱思达?
"他迟疑不定地一再问道。他几乎也不知道现在该说些什么才好，因为，既然他已经来了，看到她目前境况，他就开始觉察到随之而来新的开销。麻烦和苦难，真是悔不该当初自己太好奇了。他干吗急急乎赶到这儿来呢?
如今，当然罗，他非得帮助不可。
"哦，还没有多久，克莱德。到现在，我想，将近一个月，不会更多的。
""我也这么想的。大约一个月前，我看见你在巴尔的摩街附近第十一街上走过，对吗?
当然罗，我看见的就是你，"他说话时已不象开头那样高兴……这一变化爱思达也注意到了。这时，她点了点头，表示肯定。"我知道，我看见你了。
当时，我跟妈说了，可她好象不同意。而且，她并没有象我预料的那样吃惊。
个中原委，现在我才明白啦。她的一言一行，好象也不乐意我跟她谈这件事似的。不过，我知道我并没有看错。"他两眼直瞅着爱思达，样子怪怪的。他对这件事居然有先见之明，不禁感到相当得意。不过，这时他又为之语塞了，真不知道再说些什么才好，同时，心里也在纳闷刚才自己说的这些话是不是有什么意义，或则包含什么重要性。看来这些话未必对她会有什么实际帮助。
而她呢，简直不知道该怎么办:
把自己的实际情况只字不提呢，还是全都向他坦白承认，所以，她就不知道说些什么才好。不过好歹也得说一点呗。反正克莱德一望可知，她目前的窘境委实是很可怕的。他那多疑的眼色，简直使她受不了。后来，与其说给母亲，还不如说给自己解围，她终于开口说:
"可怜的妈。
你千万别以为她行动奇怪，克莱德。你知道，说实话，她也不知道该怎么办。
当然，一切全是我的错。当初我要是没有出走，也就不会让她吃足苦头。她本来就不怎么会跟这类事打交道的，而且她一向过的是苦日子。"她猛地背过身去，她的肩膀开始颤抖，腰部也在起伏。她两手捂住脸，低下头来……他知道，她在悄没声儿抽噎了。
"哦，你怎么啦，姐姐，"克莱德大声嚷道，马上走到她身旁，这会儿替她感到非常难过。"你这是怎么回事?
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